I’m sad today

It’s not that I have one particular thing making me feel this way, more like a combination of a lot of things an nothing at all. It’s hard to explain.

For myself personally, I feel trapped. Trapped by my choices, my feelings, my environment, and my obligations. I was thinking today on my way home from work, I’ve made very little (if non at all) decisions by myself. I’m not talking about what to eat for dinner, or what to wear for the day. No, I mean big choices. What kind of car do I buy? Where do I live?… those kinds of decisions. I’ve always had to make them with someone, and this disappoints me. I feel like I’ve wasted my life in so many ways. Not everything is negative, don’t get me wrong. My daughter is the single best joint decision I’ve ever made. Period. But everything else has a question mark next to it. I feel like I haven’t lived. I feel like I’ve coasted. I’ve always played it safe. Tried to never get in trouble. But as Dory pointed out “If you never let anything happen, nothing will happen.” I feel like I’ve let nothing happen. I feel like I’m an old soul, tired of the same drab monotony and unable to find peace and happiness. I’ve disappointed myself.

Outside of myself, I’m sad for the world around me. People are cold, cruel, self centered, and oblivious. I am (clearly) a female, my daughter is (clearly) a female, but there’s so much in this world that attempts to bring females to “heal” and conform to the ideals of men and what a man thinks they should be. Nobody should have any say over a woman’s body, except that woman. Nobody should force their religious beliefs on a person (male or female). Black is beautiful (and horribly unappreciated). Homosexuality isn’t a “condition”, it’s not wrong, and love is love is love. …but people don’t see this the same way.

Everyone wants to control what’s outside of their beliefs or what they don’t understand, instead of just letting it be. They fear what they don’t understand, they throw hate and violence at it, and refuse to see anything from another viewpoint. Its exhausting and disappointing.

I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling so old. Today…I just feel sad.