HARD CONVERSATIONS

I’m happy that I stared going to therapy. I feel like its helped me — along with my meds. However, I find that I get stuck in my head a lot; ruminating on choices I’ve made and ones I have yet to make. Recently, my therapist and I have been discussing communication and relationships. The main relationship discussed is the one I have with my husband.

Let me start by saying yes, I do love my husband…but the level of that love is questionable, along with my feelings and thought about what I want for the future. I think I mentioned in a previous post that this subject has come up several times in therapy. My therapist has said that some people (through the course of recovery) come to the decision to no stay with the partners they started with at the start of therapy.

Anyway, part of my PTSD is fear. To put it in general terms, I’m afraid of pretty much everything. Confrontation fuckin freaks me the fuck out. That being said, it probably is no surprise that my communication skills are…lets just say, lacking. Herein lies my challenge: I recognize I need to talk to my husband about my concerns. I know its not fair to be distant with him or ignore his texts or be passive aggressive with him. But, because I struggle with fear of confrontation, the idea of sharing how I feel with him frightens me. Not only do I fear for myself (even though he has never and would never act like my ex in any way), but I fear for him. I dont want to hurt anyone. I am a cereal fixer to my detriment.

Additionally, I am NOT in, any way shape or form, ready to make ANY kinds of decisions that could potentially be life changing for myself and my family. I’m just struggling with the thoughts right now.

I genuinely dont know what to do or how to handle it. Either way I look at it, I am wrong. I am the bad guy. If I say something, I potentially hurt him — which in turn hurts me ( I feel guilt, shame, etc). If I dont say something, I still hurt myself in my silence. I also dont have the energy (physically, mentally, emotionally) to deal with anything heavy right now. I’m literally just making it through the day.

Everything is confusing, and either way I am wrong.